Queen of Chaos

I've been at my current job for 11 years, 2 months, 2 weeks and 6 days...  I don't get paid, there are no vacation days, no sick days and definitely no overtime pay.  But it has been the most fun, rewarding, never boring job I have ever had.  I'm a mom, but not just a mom.  I'm the CEO, CFO,  alarm clock, chef, seamstress, maid, janitor, handy-man, personal assistant, chauffeur, nurse, teacher, police officer, judge and jury.  As busy as I am and as happy as I am, I still feel like I'm missing something.  I volunteer as much as I can outside the home, at the kid's school, at church,  or with my Mops group.  But it still doesn't feel like I'm getting what I need.  Do I sound selfish yet???  What I miss is working outside the home. It may sound crazy, but yes, I miss working.  I miss talking with other adults, using my brain for something other than remembering when Zach's favorite cartoons will be on, how many loads of laundry I need to do, what

It's June 2013, a beautiful day outside and I'm in an exam room at my doctor's office.  After putting it off for way too long, I had finally made an appointment for a yearly physical.  After talking with my doctor about some issues I had been having, we did a physical exam.  I'll never forget her face as she left to let me get dressed.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  After a few minutes she comes back in, sits down and looks at me with tears in her eyes.  Without sharing too much, my doctor explained that my issues would best be cured with a hysterectomy.  I laughed, a hysterectomy? But I'm only 32 and if I have a hysterectomy, I can't have any more babies.  That's where I first felt the ache.  I recently came across a blog post from Sarah Bessey , in which she describes dealing with the ache .  The ache a women feels when her stage of having babies is over. Many women are content when this stage happens. I am not one of those women.  Being a mot

I've always loved writing. I was one of the weird students who enjoyed writing assignments.  I even received awards for my short stories.   I tried college and it wasn't my thing.  So please excuse any grammatical errors :)  Since having children, I've had ideas for books, written down my thoughts, but being a mother and a wife has kept me too busy for much more.  When blogs became popular, I wanted my to start my own, but didn't think many people would care about my life as a mom of 5 kids.  I did eventually start one, mainly to keep faraway family updated. Plus it gave me a small taste of what I had been missing.  If you notice my numbers, this is my 5th post in 2 years.  Surely you'd think running a large family would have lots of great stories to share, and it does. But getting time to myself is hard. Who would've thought, right???  So why am I starting this blog again? Because I can and I need something for me. I need to write.  I need to share. If pe

When I became a mother for the first time in 2002, I had this ideal of what my life would be like.  Most has come true, 5 amazing kids, a husband turned daddy that has been not only my partner, but often a support beam holding me up when post-partum depression held me down.  A family that is just minutes away and just a phone call away. And friends that love and care me like family.  But what I didn't expect was the mommy guilt. Guilt that I don't give each child enough one on one time, that I don't listen enough, or snuggle enough.  Can I even love them more than I do now? What triggered the guilt today? A cookie...  Zach asked me to open his cookie so he could lick the cream out. (He never eats the cookie part)  I thought to myself how sweet he is and how in just a few short years, he'll be in school and I'll be alone at home.  Which led to me to think of my older 4 who are in school already and how much I miss them.  Then it hit me, like the wind was knocked