"The Ache"
It's June 2013, a beautiful day outside and I'm in an exam room at my doctor's office. After putting it off for way too long, I had finally made an appointment for a yearly physical. After talking with my doctor about some issues I had been having, we did a physical exam. I'll never forget her face as she left to let me get dressed. I immediately knew something was wrong. After a few minutes she comes back in, sits down and looks at me with tears in her eyes. Without sharing too much, my doctor explained that my issues would best be cured with a hysterectomy. I laughed, a hysterectomy? But I'm only 32 and if I have a hysterectomy, I can't have any more babies. That's where I first felt the ache.
I recently came across a blog post from Sarah Bessey, in which she describes dealing with the ache. The ache a women feels when her stage of having babies is over. Many women are content when this stage happens. I am not one of those women. Being a mother is the only job I've ever wanted.
I come from a large family and have always known I wanted to have my own. Seven months after getting married, we were pregnant with Dakotah. Madilyn came 18 months later, Wyatt 2 years after, Lindsey 2 years after Wyatt, then Zach, our last baby in 2011. Getting pregnant was easy, but Dakotah's delivery was very traumatic and Lindsey had a twin we lost early in the pregnancy.
Zach hasn't slept in his crib in almost 8 months. I still have maternity clothes hidden away because I just can't get rid of them. Looking at baby pictures makes me break down into fits of ugly sobbing. I pray everyday for time to slow down because my kids are growing entirely too fast. It all just hurts too much. Even as I write this, I feel physically ill. I just can't be done. I feel cheated, robbed. I'm so angry at my body for breaking down before my heart was ready to move on.
Sarah writes "I won’t ever be pregnant again, that I won’t carry a baby within me again, that I won’t ever give birth again. (Yes, I’m one of those awful women who loves pregnancy and giving birth.) When I think about not breastfeeding – one of the most real things I’ve ever done with this body – ever again, I catch my breath with longing." Longing and grief are emotions I never thought I'd associate with having babies. As terrible as it sounds, I didn't grieve long after learning of losing Lindsey's twin. I told myself it was part of God's plan and I should feel blessed that I still have Lindsey. I do feel blessed by all my children and thank God that he saw me fit enough to be their mother.
I'm dealing with this new stage of my life. I have my family and friends to get me through the days, the hours, the minutes... I have quite a few girlfriends that are pregnant, so I know one day soon I'll have a chance to snuggle some babies. I make sure to snuggle my own children every chance I get, because I know all too soon they will be too old for kisses and hugs, too busy for their momma, then too far away at college or wherever their lives take them. But that's another ache I'll wait to deal with for as long as I can.
~Serra
I recently came across a blog post from Sarah Bessey, in which she describes dealing with the ache. The ache a women feels when her stage of having babies is over. Many women are content when this stage happens. I am not one of those women. Being a mother is the only job I've ever wanted.
I come from a large family and have always known I wanted to have my own. Seven months after getting married, we were pregnant with Dakotah. Madilyn came 18 months later, Wyatt 2 years after, Lindsey 2 years after Wyatt, then Zach, our last baby in 2011. Getting pregnant was easy, but Dakotah's delivery was very traumatic and Lindsey had a twin we lost early in the pregnancy.
Zach hasn't slept in his crib in almost 8 months. I still have maternity clothes hidden away because I just can't get rid of them. Looking at baby pictures makes me break down into fits of ugly sobbing. I pray everyday for time to slow down because my kids are growing entirely too fast. It all just hurts too much. Even as I write this, I feel physically ill. I just can't be done. I feel cheated, robbed. I'm so angry at my body for breaking down before my heart was ready to move on.
Sarah writes "I won’t ever be pregnant again, that I won’t carry a baby within me again, that I won’t ever give birth again. (Yes, I’m one of those awful women who loves pregnancy and giving birth.) When I think about not breastfeeding – one of the most real things I’ve ever done with this body – ever again, I catch my breath with longing." Longing and grief are emotions I never thought I'd associate with having babies. As terrible as it sounds, I didn't grieve long after learning of losing Lindsey's twin. I told myself it was part of God's plan and I should feel blessed that I still have Lindsey. I do feel blessed by all my children and thank God that he saw me fit enough to be their mother.
I'm dealing with this new stage of my life. I have my family and friends to get me through the days, the hours, the minutes... I have quite a few girlfriends that are pregnant, so I know one day soon I'll have a chance to snuggle some babies. I make sure to snuggle my own children every chance I get, because I know all too soon they will be too old for kisses and hugs, too busy for their momma, then too far away at college or wherever their lives take them. But that's another ache I'll wait to deal with for as long as I can.
~Serra
Comments
Post a Comment